loving
you know how when youre on a boat, or a kayak, or canoe (or whatever) and you have to paddle or sail (or whatever) through the wake of another boat? and your little boat is rocking up and down on the waves the other boat made and you have to expend twice as much energy to get half as far even though the other boat has long since sped by? i dont feel like im doing that anymore. also, happy new year

loving
the gf is in new york attending a "mothering" for her ex girlfriend. its a kind of meditation, gifting, gathering for the mom, not drawn from any particular tradition, i dont think. we went shopping for the present last night. a book, some vitamins, a recipe for post partum depression tea and all of the herbs it calls for. a blue crystal for the baby boy's crib. my desire for a kid coupled with the fact that the mother's name is desiree, is touching me in places under the rib cage.

a cute name i have for her is gf/bf(f). i say stuff like, "gee eff, slash bee eff, open parenthesis, eff, close parenthesis, will you kiss my cheek?"

i have deeper things to say. about love. and how it works. and how sometimes it feels like im kissing lips and how other times it feels like im kissing my second wife and how sometimes it feels like im not kissing my first wife and how sometimes it feels like im kissing an orgasm and how sometimes it feels like i am kissing lauren.

in the end, i think we all do the best we can under our circumstances. this weekend, i have dates with two of my most insightful, soulful friends. that should make me feel more whole.

kidding
so i figured my dad still had cancer because last i heard he needed an operation. also, i had a dream that he told me his cancer was inoperable. well he called this week and told me that he was told he is cancer-free as of last month. this officially ends the clairvoyant period of my relationship with my dad.

moving
the gf is moving next week. to surprise her, i am collecting boxes and hope to pack some of them in time for her return on sunday.

sexing
so im changing. this time last year i was just a run-of-the-mill girl who preferred to fuck girls, all be it boyish ones. and it was just that i prefered to have queer people for friends but like, whatever. now, i am just a total dirty fucking queer. its strange. like, i never used to use the word queer in reference to myself because i just didnt deserve it. but now, like, i would be hard-pressed to avoid blushing if i were to tell some of my queer friends what all im doing in bed.

working
today is paperwork month. last month was people month. people and paperwork. thats what i do.

coloring
my current girlfriend is submissive. she likes humiliation. she was invited to a party on a weekend that we have dedicated to our first endeavor at master slave stuff. my girlfriend is very attracted to a certain type of black woman. the party is a birthday celebration for an acquaintance who fits her particular favorite mold of black woman and to whom she is very attracted. i have fantasies of blindfolding her before she goes out, writing ugly things like "nigger lover" and "dumb bitch" and "faggot" all over her tits and belly and back, then sticking a plug in her ass, and sending her to the party. she will have instructions to go into the bathroom at republic gardens at a particular time, take off her shirt and pull down her skirt. this will reveal what ive written. the instuctions will tell her masterbate herself while her video phone records it. we are both white. im not sure though if we are quite ready for that kind of race play.

kidding
i havent seen either of my parents in at a couple of months. i think my dad still has cancer.

loving
in miami, i always bought this particular brand and type of coffee at the grocery store, kona blend from christopher bean. one day i got a bag of coffee that was terribly burned. i called the hotline and they sent me a coupon for a free bag, which i had to, like, redeem on-line or something. anyway, i ended up on their email list. i just unsubscribed. when i clicked on the unsubscribe link, i was brought to a page that expressed regret for my desire to stop receiving the emails and asked if i might not tap out a few lines as to why. i said, in so many words, that thier emails remind me of my ex-wife and hit the send button. i said it because its true and also to entertain the poor grunt that might have to read those stupid fucking entries.

moving
i think i will move out of my shared apartment and into a studio apartment (all by myself) by april of 2007. in december 2006, my girlfriend moves out of her studio apartment all by herself and into a bedroom in the basement of a group house. she'll only be paying 500 dollars a month. this month, i had to pay 100 dollars to replace the cell phone i lost and 60 dollars for car insurance on a car that that my ex-wife is using because she is the kind of asshole who will fail to pay the bill, knowing that the cancellation of my car insurance will be reflected on my license, endangering my employability. so maybe i wont be able to move until may or june.

sometimes im afraid that my whole life will be like this.

working
on friday, i sat in a small room at a psychiatric hospital with a client, his adoptive mother and his social worker. the client, the kid, had been there for 5 days. he's had a few arrests, a few suspensions, a few dirty urines. the social worker was an older white man with a curt, gruff attitude. the psychiatrist came in. he was more reserved. he was asian, maybe chinese, with a heavy, thick accent. the white social worker kept asking the client, "what does it feel like to know that your mother didnt want you?" and the asian psychiatrist was saying, "you need to start saving money. about 5,000 dollars. for your funeral. dont leave your grandmother with that expense." and "are you an organ donor? since you dont care about living or dying, you should become an organ donor." ive never seen this kid, this 16 year old black boy, get irritated, say three or four or six sentences at a clip, argue, describe, debate, refute, or question before.